for you to notice.

tony-- probably the only person i'll mention by name on here-- mused recently that i'm too eager. i think he's right. i'm a romance junkie, searching for anything approaching the xoxo sensibility of the modern love affair.

this perspective is rather problematic. i get caught up in memories of the past.

i saw a black mustang two days ago, and my heart caught in my throat.

there's the cyclical rejection of bb and the circumstantial 'i'm sorry's of ducky and even the continuous 'who-the-fuck-knows' of harry.

that last one is the most troubling to me. the romantic dynamic of our relationship is tempestuous, ravaging, heartbreaking, and ever-present. it always comes back to harry. last night, i saw him. he panned, "i've missed you so much," and scooted closer, hips touching hips, comfortable and common.

a testament to the enduring emotions?
the mix i crafted this summer, months of cultivation, sent without word to his home. i've since lost the track listing, but i can recreate it simply in my head, and not a single song from it is placed upon a mix for another.

it's love, yeah, and i'm in it.

i'm searching so hard for lovelovelovelove because i can't seem to form the words to make it clear to the one i actually feel for. my heart aches. heartache.

it's not ducky, persay, and it's not even bb, godforbid. it's harry, plain and simple. it always has been.

something tells me--
--it always will.

i'm insightful or brave or smooth or charming.
i swear it.

i can be whoever you want me to.