some constellation

I'm feeling the pervasive edge of desperation.
And I can't even seem to be honest with anyone quite how heavy my heart feels.

Except Ducky. My Ducky.

Yes, another boy. Another nickname for another boy.

But, in so many ways, this territory feels pleasantly threadbare. He's Harry part deux, the deja-vu sentiments of treading that place between friend and friendlier, that semblance of comfort and honesty and simple pleasure derived from the company of another.

Why am I constantly falling for the boys whose absence I couldn't take? Why am I always unconsciously pushing away the ones I want need to stay?

Ducky, look how cute I am!
Listen to my heartache as my face contorts in anguish and depravity personified.

Thisisthesoundofaheartbreaking.

How is it that I can be so positively candid here, and with Ducky, but nowhere else? Why is fate so cruel that my heart can burst when he's around, exposing the worst and most ill-liked parts of my personality?

Am I really that laissez-faire with my emotions? Elsewhere, that is.

I want to paint the town my favorite color and explode into handclap choruses. I want heartfelt sing-alongs and childish frivolity. I'm finding it harder...

...harder to be.